No one ever asked me what it feels like to be me, except him.
Lately, I feel like my emotions are going up and down. I'm not trying to say nor to self-claim that i'm mentally unstable or that I have depression or somewhat. It's just that...I find it hard to sleep. In the night, I feel like so many things are spinning inside my head.
Sometimes...
I found my self crying and I don't even know why. I don't know what is the reason.
Sometimes...
I felt like want to throw up, like there something stuck in my throat that I need to throw it up. But there was nothing. It's just a fake feeling, an illusion that my imagination made.
Sometimes...
I felt very lonely. Honestly, I never afraid of sleeping with no lights on. But lately, I found myself crying out someone's name, like I wish I can tell him, I am scared.
And I found myself thinking about the past, our past and all the memories in it.
cause I remember, no one ever asked me what it feels like to be me, except him.
He never forgot to ask,
'how are you?'
'it's hard, isnt it?'
'are you still okay?'
'do you need hug?'
'do you mind if I call you?'
or said something like,
'you are really strong, Vir'
'Vir, aku banyak belajar dari kamu'
'aku bersyukur kamu lahir ke dunia ini'
'I am lucky to know you'
He was the first person that saying he felt grateful that I was born. He was the first one who make me feel that I am important. He was the one who make me feel that I am something.
He inspired me to be someone better.
He told me that he wanted to be a scientist. 'Aku mau jadi ilmuwan', he said.
That made me think I also have to be someone great, cause I once wanted to be his wife in the future.
He respected women. (or still does?). As long as I remember, until he died, he never objectified any women. He never saw me as a 'boyish', 'tomboy', or someone that not dressed as they should be. . He still respect me as woman, no matter what clothes I wear. No matter what people told me to wear
And because of that, I appreciate the value of education. I study hard, didnt want to fail any single class or lesson I took. I learnt many things, as many as I could. I dreamt of taking a bachelor degree.
But, the journey is still really long. I failed to graduated on time, and with so many people asking me 'when will you graduate?', 'aren't you smart?', 'what did take you so long?', I feel ashamed of myself.
The level of my self-confidence is getting decreased, it's getting low and lower.
With so many people told me. 'you need to graduate this year', 'you have to help your family. Remember, you have the responsibility for it', 'your family is not rich, you shouldnt waste your money like that', I feel so anxious.
I feel such a failure that I even considered to do suicide. That I even considered to kill myself.
Without him by myside, telling me not to worry, like he always did, I feel alone and lonely and helpless.
There's no more Vira, the confident-smart-bright girl. All that left is just me, the ordinary-weak-lonely girl, that crying out for help in nights.
and I miss him so much.
I really do.
because no one ever asked me what it feels like to be me.
except him.
